I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
