did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
