1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
