I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
