Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
