grandma shit on top of the toilet
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
