John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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