I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
how drunk are you?
Several
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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