I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
