Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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