found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
