Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
