I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
