Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
