Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
