I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
