I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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