I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
