i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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