dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
