Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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