I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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