Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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