so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
