you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
