When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
