I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
