I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
