I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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