I wanna passion pit in your ass
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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