he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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