Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
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there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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