How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize