I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
tell me about the eggs
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
