sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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