Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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