i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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