I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Sorry about my life...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
