Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
