when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
