I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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