Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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