I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
