Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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