I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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