If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
