Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
