1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
