update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was like eating out sand paper
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
