My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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