god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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