so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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