Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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