About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
