yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
