Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
